Monday, March 2, 2009

draft 1 of allusive poem

when she woke up this morning and saw the rusted foliage,
it was time to work.
she saw what could be, and instead chose
what should be.
"preparation is key."
she has a shield around her, to protect her from harm.
you may push her off course,
but only for a while,
for she knows what's to be done.
at the very same time, she is aware that she is small.
she is an insignificant significance.
but she will never give up.

it is hard to watch him have so much fun.
but fall is almost over and there is lots to be done.
she holds a certain amount of pity for him.
even as he frolicks in the sun.
but with time, she will be given the chance
to scoff and to laugh.
for now, though, she is focused,
and when time comes, she will not be abashed.
for anyting she needs,
they are right in her hands.

2 comments:

lsueoka said...

HI Sophie,
Nice job of comparing yourself to the fable of the ant and the grasshopper. For the revision, I would recommend moving toward more concrete detail...since the allusion is the implied part, your description should be direct and specific...for example, instead of "rusted foliage"...why not describe the fall scene?
Describe what the ant does and make the connection to what you do, specifically...
I think this would make your allusion more powerful..
Good use of poem format, the two stanzas, to separate the ant part from the contrast to the grasshopper.
mrs s

Keli Kuikahi said...

Hi Sophie,

Sorry so late...Anyways, I really like how you rhimed your poem. Also, nice choice of words, "abashed" "foliage". The character in the story does describe you quite well. I don't really know how the story goes though.

keli