matthew died at the age of 55 yesterday. he was born and raised in kaneohe, Hawaii. matthew was raised by parents who didn't love each other, and when he was a kid, he took this as being normal. matt had to gather love from kids at schools, and from his teachers, because he wasn't getting any from his mom and pop. In his freshman year of high school, Joe asked matt if he wanted a cigarette. and that one cigarette turned into ten cigarettes. and ten cigarettes turned into two packs a day. and two packs led to three. then to four. his first cigarette led to his death.
these are usually the stories you see in the newspaper; fifty year old man died of lung cancer. there are so many questions as to why matt even took that first puff. maybe he didn't know it would cause his death. and eventually cause him to have to leave his family because of a desperate cry for some guidance, or attention, or security when he was young and vunerable.
and now, who is to blame...
parents are a childs biggest and most constant influence. who knew what it felt like to be a five year old matt, living in a home where good and bad were never really defined to him. trouble in the home can look so harmless from afar, but if you tried to step past the front door, you would see adults, without values strong enough, and a child in the corner suffering the consequences. mom could have told her son the truth. it's better than not telling him anything at all. studies show that kids love attention, and often crave it. you don't need to read a bunch of articles to know this. attention deprived, unsure, clueless and scared millions of teens in america are taking a puff of their first cigarette every minute. because they were not taught how important it is to make good choices, and resist peer pressure.
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3 comments:
Sophie, your paper was excellent! i love how you started off your paper with the story about Matthew. it sparked an interest in me to read your paper immediately. work on your generals though. make it more like a scientific "research" essay. besides that i heard your voice loud and clear. Good work. :]
--kayla.
hey sophie.
awesome essay! All the stories about the different teens is really emotional. Right when you started with Matthew's story, i thought your voice would automatically become a 4!
Good job =]
Hi Sophie,
I agree with Kayla and Jacie that the opening of your essay grabs the reader's attention.
However, I think you need to do more with the research support. When you shared your thesis with me, I actually thought you were talking about how smoking parents influence teen smoking.
Your thesis seems to link parental neglect with smoking, and I am not as sure about the research there. So you will need more convincing evidence--statistics, etc--to show that parental neglect specifically influences teens to smoke.
Right now, the essay sounds more like opinion...what you think happens because of neglect. If you can support this with data, that would be fine. But if you do not have specific evidence, you may need to rethink what you mean by "parental influence."
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s
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